


it's going to hurt to go this fast

by tazernkaner



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Breakup, M/M, this is just kind of sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 04:44:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7086046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tazernkaner/pseuds/tazernkaner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Patrick and Jonny approach their relationship the same way they do hockey; full speed ahead. Eventually, though, they've got to burn out somewhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's going to hurt to go this fast

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of shitty and depressing but it's basically just going to be the back story for a larger fic I'm working on.

When Patrick was little and playing on half a dozen different hockey teams, he’d thought of himself as invincible. Nothing could ever stop him.

At the beginning, that's how he had viewed his relationship with Jonny.

They had been teammates and best friends for five years prior to getting together. From their rookie year, they were thrust together into the spotlight. They conquered all their childhood dreams as a duo. It forged a unique bond, unlike anything Patrick had ever experienced with another person. They shared a room on the road, practically lived in each other's pockets, and even if sometimes they drove each other crazy, they learned each other inside out.

When they finally did get their shit sorted and start dating, something just clicked; as if there was always a missing piece between them.

There was no reason to slow down.

From there they treated it like they were leading 2-0 in game seven. It was theirs to win, they had already powered through the hard parts. All they had to do was fight to keep the lead.

They always made a great team in whatever they did. Patrick had no reason to believe they were anything but forever.

However, just over a year later, Patrick was back to living in his old apartment. Alone.

He’d started staying there just as the playoffs began. He and Jonny seemed to be incapable of anything but fighting. Even the littlest things seemed to grate on each other's nerves.

They had always been known to sort through their issues with heated screaming matches - whether on the bench or in their hotel rooms or eventually in their shared apartment.

This was different though. More often than not they were going to bed with nothing more than a frosty “night” and still arguing the next morning. Half the time Patrick didn't even know why they were mad, but it always felt important.

He wasn't about to let their issues bleed into hockey and affect their chances in the playoffs. So Patrick started sleeping at his old apartment, even though he had been living with Jonny for 11 months. It was just for a bit, he bargained. They were always tired and high strung during playoff hockey - afterwards they could figure it out.

Then they got knocked out of the first round and.... Well, neither of them was ever very good at dealing with loss. He stayed away a little longer, promising that once they were over the sting of a game seven knock out, they would fix what had gone wrong.

Communication was never their strong suit. It had taken them years to realize they were in love with one another in the first place.

So the fights went unresolved, their contact slowly lessened until it reached the point that Patrick could say he hadn't spoken to his boyfriend in nearly a month.

There wasn't much of a relationship left to fix.

Jonny and Patrick were good together in so many ways.

Sometimes, though, Patrick got the sense that it was too much hockey for any relationship to weather. There was no balance; they approached things with the same determination and intensity. It was easy to describe them as stubborn and unable to back down.

He loved Jonny. He loved him so much that sometimes it was overwhelming. He was his best friend, the person who knew him best. There wasn't anyone else for Patrick; for him it was always Jonny.

But he knew better to think their relationship was healthy. Being with each other was like riding a roller coaster - one that lately consisted mostly of lows. Love was never supposed to hurt this much.

He knew Jonny loved him, as well. It was Patrick’s opinion that neither of them were to blame. They both wanted this and had tried so hard to make it worth. The issues were rooted right between them; not one sided. He didn't have any lingering resentment towards Jonny for breaking his heart.

If anything, he just wanted to be past this chapter and try to salvage some sort of friendship again. They were still teammates and hockey still came first. Things had to be at least professional.

There was a knowing expression on Jonny’s face when he answered the door; as if he had been expecting Patrick.

An awkward silence fell over them as they stood on different sides of the doorway. Finally Jonny let out a low sigh before nodding slowly, making it clear he knew exactly why Patrick had finally decided to stop by.

He followed Jonny’s retreating back, peering around the apartment as they made their way to the living room. Nothing had changed, all of Patrick’s contributions to the decor remained in the same place. The picture of them raising the cup in their red jerseys hung on the way as it always had.

It was their third cup together- but it was there first together. Just a couple months into their relationship, they hoisted their dreams once again. At the time it had felt triumphant; they could do anything together.

Now, maybe Patrick thinks it was too much high for the beginning of any relationship. He wouldn't take back a single second of it - the celebrations that followed were some of the best moments of Patrick’s life. He had every thing he ever wanted.

This year he has a crushing defeat and an empty bed.

Jonny catches him staring at the photo and his face looks completely wrecked.

“Beer?” He offers. His voice breaks a little and he clears his throat againstaa it.

“Yeah, thanks,” Patrick murmurs in reply.

Jonny doesn't make any moves towards the fridge for a moment. Instead he just stares at Patrick a little helplessly.

Patrick knows it's his job to say something, considering he was the one who came all the way here. But his mouth has gone dry and the words that have been swirling around his brain for weeks were replaced by the yearning want he felt for Jonny.

Jonny closes his eyes, inhales deeply then pivots towards the fridge. He rummages around for a couple seconds; Patrick's never known Jonny to have his beer anywhere but up front and accessible, so he's probably trying to compose himself. Patrick understands, so he gives Jonny all the time he needs.  
  
He's on the verge of falling apart, too.

Eventually he does merge, holding two beers in a hand, long fingers clasped around the necks. He kicks the door shut with his foot and then hands one of them to Patrick.  
  
“How have you been?” Jonny asks in a low voice as he falls down into the couch cushions, tossing his beer cap in the direction of the coffee table.

Patrick laughs humorlessly. “Shitty.” His voice is hoarse, and it's hard to do this but he promised himself that he’d come here and be completely honest with both of them. They deserved that much, at least.

Jonny scrapes at the label on his bottle. “Yeah, me too.” Patrick can hear how miserable he is in the words, even if they're few. He can see it in the way Jonny’s shoulders are slumped, his eyes hollow and shadowed by bags. It stings. He never, ever wanted to be the person hurting Jonny.

Patrick is miserable, too. He hates that it's come to this.

He just wants Jonny, so bad. He wants to break the barrier they've created and kiss him. He can't remember the last time they did that.

It wouldn't fix anything, though. The physical aspect of their relationship was never a problem. More often than not their fights would dissolve into rough quick sex, both unable to keep their hands off each other as they worked out all their frustrations.

The problem was afterwards, when the sex was done and all that was left was to talk about their problems. They would retreat away from each other, leaving all their problems scattered fragile around them, waiting for the next fight to arise.

It was sort of funny, actually, that after all the fighting they had done.... They just sit in silence together on the couch (both well aware of what was happening), drinking their beers with their knees touching just slightly.

There were no fights let to be had. All the anger had washed away, leaving only their raw sadness and sense of defeat. They had given it their all - they still lost.

Neither of them were very good at losing.

“Are we going to talk about it, then?” Jonny finally says, turning his gaze on Patrick.

“I guess we have to, huh?” Patrick murmurs, the words feeling like they're being wrenched from him.

“You have to know that I love you, Patrick,” Jonny says lowly, his tone weighed down with so much emotion.

“I do,” Patrick sniffles. “I love you too.”

Jonny closes his eyes and nods like he's letting the words wash over him. “I'm so fucking sorry,” he adds without opening them. “I wanted this to work so bad... I'm sorry.”

Patrick scooted closer, ignoring all the warnings in his head that it was a bad idea. “This isn't on you, Jonny. It was both of us and... I'm sorry, too.”

Jonny’s dark brown eyes popped opened and he tilted his head slightly so that he was looking directly at Patrick. They were impossibly close now.

“I can't believe it,” Jonny whispers. “I always thought that when I finally got you... It would be forever, you know?”

Patrick lets out a whimper, nodding forcefully. He does know. He had always thought exactly the same thing.

“Jonny.”

It only takes a second for Jonny to melt at his name, reach around and grab at the back of Patrick’s neck and crush their lips together.

The kiss is frantic, sloppy after months of being denied each other. Patrick chases the taste of Jonny’s mouth, tries to memorize every detail of his shoulders underneath his hands.

Their faces are wet from tears - Patrick doesn't even know whose they are. All he knows is Jonny feels warm and smells of home and he never wants the feeling to end.

Jonny shifts backwards so he can lie on his back, Patrick held tightly against his chest. They position is uncomfortable, the entire thing is quick and desperate and they don't get past unbuttoning each other's pants and quick handjobs.

Jonny bites at the skin on Patrick’s neck as he comes and Patrick follows a second after, shuddering at the way Jonny gasps his name.

It's sticky and an awkward angle, but neither of them makes any move and somehow Patrick gets the most peaceful sleep that he's had in months.

They wake around 12 am, the lights still shining around them. Patrick blinks through the grogginess as he comes too, trying to gather himself. His back was knotted up, but Jonny’s arm was wrapped tightly around his waist still. He curled in deeper next to him, tucking his face into the crook of Jonny’s neck, inhaling deeply and feeling like this was where he was meant to be.

“Hey,” Jonny whispers. His lips tickle the crown of Patrick’s head.

“Hi,” Patrick murmured back.

Neither say anything after that for a while. Which puts them back to where they began, sex finished and nothing left to say.

It didn't fix anything. In fact it will probably make this hurt more but Patrick doesn't regret it.

“I gotta pee,” Jonny finally says and Patrick shifts so that he's no longer laying on top of him.

Jonny returns a couple minutes later, his jeans replaced for a pair of ‘Hawks sweats that Patrick used to steal all the time. He doesn't sit down again, just hesitates by the end of the couch.

“Will you drive me home?” Patrick says finally and Jonny’s face falls.

“You don't have your car?”

“No. I walked here... Had to clear my head.”

Jonny looks like he's on the verge of crying and Patrick can't deal with that. He's a crier by nature, but Jonny isn't. He's not sure he could count the amount of times he's seen Jonny cry - and mostly all of those times were related to hockey.

“Sure. Do you want to change first?” Jonny gestures awkwardly to his groin region and... Yeah. Patrick is feeling pretty gross down there. They probably should have washed up afterwards. “You can borrow some clothes,” Jonny supplies and Patrick nods.

Jonny is still standing awkwardly when Patrick emerges a couple of minutes later, all freshened.

“You hungry?” Jonny asks, looking a little hopeful. “I could make something for us.”

Patrick wants more than anything to sit on the countertop, chirping Jonny as he makes them scrambled eggs. It was something they had done countless times before, but Patrick felt like it was probably time to leave or he might start convincing himself this they were making the wrong decision.

“I should probably get home, man.”

Jonny’s expression falters for a second before he nods. “You're right, yeah. I’ll just... Grab my keys.”  
  
A silence falls over them, then. They don't say anything as Jonny locks up his apartment. The tension lingers in the elevator and as they get into his car.

A couple minutes into the drive and Patrick can't take the silence.  
  
“Heard any rumors about trades?” He asks dumbly, because he has to say something.

Jonny turns to look at him sharply, eyes peeling away from the road. He looks so sad for a moment. “Nothing concrete,” he says finally.

“Good,” Patrick clucks. “I'm really liking the way things are going, the team's clicking-”

“Patrick,” Jonny grits out desperately. “This may come as a surprise, but I really don't want to talk about hockey.”

Patrick nibbles on his lip a little before nodding. He gets it, but hockey is really all they have left.  
  
“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

Jonny pulls up in front of Patrick’s building and cuts off the engine. He turns to look at Patrick, big eyes and tiny frown occupying his face.

Patrick guesses the ball is back in his court. He should unbuckle his seatbelt, thank Jonny for the ride home and then hurry back to his apartment so he can properly break down. But he doesn’t make any motion to move. He can’t, not just yet.

Jonny’s fingers flex against the steering wheel. “This sucks,” he huffs.

A laugh is ripped from Patrick’s chest at that. It’s so simple but he can’t think of any better way to describe what he’s feeling. Jonny is right. It sucks, so much.

“It fucking sucks,” Patrick agrees, all sniffly.

Jonny reaches over and strokes a couple fingers against Patrick’s jawline. His gaze is locked on Patrick’s, intense and teary.

They stay like that for just a couple seconds more. Then Jonny removes his hand and smiles sadly. “Okay,” he says. “Okay...” Jonny looks to be mentally preparing himself, building strength.

“You should go,” he says.

“I know,” Patrick agrees. “I love you,” he adds because he can’t fight the urge to say it.

“I love you, too.”

It sounds like a goodbye, so Patrick treats it as such. He gives a tiny wave over his shoulders as he walks away from the car and then... It’s over.

It doesn’t feel real, Patrick had said moments after their game seven loss. It had been too soon afterwards to really be able to comprehend what he was feeling. He was only left with the buzzing sensation under his skin, telling him that it wasn’t real. That he would still have one more chance.

That’s how it feels in the elevator, as he’s watching the red numbers switch until it reaches his floor.

It doesn’t feel real. 

**Author's Note:**

> The sequel to this is going to involve Jonny and Patrick pretending they never broke up while away at another teammates destination wedding, because they don't want to ruin the trip with their dumb issues. So fake boyfriends at a beach, basically.


End file.
